Soldier On Momma…

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Sitting in a diner with my coffee refilled for the fifth time, (yes I drink that much), I am depleted to say the least with my eyes puffy from crying myself to sleep the night before.  This journey is not what I planned.  Another rough patch we are experiencing in our special needs parenting journey.  The pain, the anger, and lack of knowing what the right thing to do comes flooding back in and yet I keep soldiering on, because that is what us Momma’s do right?  We pick ourselves back up and keep walking through the messes.  We continue to go on with our day regardless of the fact that we haven’t showered, done our hair in days or did that workout that we told ourselves we were going to do the day before.  We get up and go to work during the day or at night and then come home to laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, meal planning, and the role of supportive wife on top of all that.

Someday’s I get it right and someday’s I don’t.  This week I did not.  Navigating the world my son lives in and how he experiences it still is an adjustment.  The increased withdrawing, meltdowns, and lack of connection this week has broken my heart.  I am continuing to learn daily what works for him and what doesn’t.   I am not even a year into his diagnosis so what do I expect?  Perfection?  NO!  Of Course I can’t.  I just have to keep going, keep learning, keep pushing, because that is what WE do as Momma’s!  We soldier on!

I know there is another Momma out there reading this who is feeling depleted.  Feeling like the weight of the world and her family is on her shoulder’s.  I say to you and myself, “Keep Soldiering on Momma!”  Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the fact that you just can’t seem to get it all right….know that you CAN make it!  We have to make it!  Being a soldiering Momma is not easy but it is definitely worth it!  You are enough, you are loved, I believe in you, and so does God!  Below I wanted to share some verses that I have leaned on this week to help push me through and keep soldiering on.  I hope that you can read these and feel the love of God empowering you to continue to be the best Momma to those littles just like you always have been!  I am calling these my “Soldier On Momma Verses”

 

Soldier On Momma Verses:

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.”                   -James 1:12 NIV

“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength” -Philippians 4:13

“Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.” – 1 Chronicles 16:11

 

True Meaning of Live Wonderfully Made

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When I first put together this blog, I had a different idea of what it was going to be.  The phrase “Wonderfully Made” comes from my Life Bible verse that I live by.  It is something that I have strived to come to peace with.  Finding oneself & being comfortable in your own skin is so challenging, but I have found that with God’s help, it becomes not only an adventure, but also an awakening.  Last year was a year for me to become strong and truly comfortable in my own skin.  What I quickly realized was, that was only the beginning of the journey.  God has had some different plans.  This year has brought new challenges that I needed to be physically strong for, but I found I need some work on the emotional and faith strength.  No one has it all together, but honestly a year ago I thought “Hey I am doing pretty good!!”  I find humor in that because I look at things now and that is not what I am saying!  Right now I am saying, “I am a mess!”  Living Wonderfully Made is not only about the physical part of life, but I have been learning it is about being your “Authentic Self.”  It is about incorporating your whole life including the passions that maybe you sometimes ignore or don’t leave time for.  It is about being unapologetically you!  No excuses, no masks, just TRUE Authenticity!

So what I want this blog to be about is a search for a more authentic self in all capacities. I will be chronicling my journey and I hope to highlight the journey of others as well.  My life and every messy part of it will be a topic.  Transparent and honest about myself as a mom to a special needs child, a woman, a wife, and everything else in between.  Sharing my passion for words and my reality is nothing new to me.  The one thing I have recently promised to myself at the dawn of this New Year is to pursue my passions, pull myself out of the intense darkness I have been feeling and shock the world with light.  You know, no pressure.  I hope that in reading my words that you too, will pursue a Life Wonderfully Made.  The one that God has intended for you.  So….Shall we start?

-Live Wonderfully Made,

Carolyn Decker, xoxo

My God Love Story: Love Letter to God

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This is week 2 of my study with Proverbs 31 Ministries online book/bible study of “Am I Messing Up My Kids?”  I am really enjoying what this book and the study is bringing to my life.  Most of all I love reading the blogs and comments other women share about their experiences! I am learning so much.  If you would like to join this study, visit, proverbs31.org and click on “online studies”!  Now, this weeks topic, “My God Love Story.”  I wrote a Love Letter to God. 

Papa God,

I am writing to you with a humble, open, and thankful heart.  Out of the darkness that was my life, you saved me.  My choices, my shame, my depression, my thoughts of ending it all, you saved me.  Before I knew of your true love for me, you were orchestrating my future, weaving in the right people to cross my path so that it would lead me back to you.  I stand in awe of the series of events you planned to bring me back to the relationship I once thought I knew, but wasn’t mature enough to embrace or understand.  Only when I was on the bottom ready to end it all did you reach down, scoop me up, and cradle me in your loving arms.  What joy, relief, and comfort I felt when I came crawling back.  My face and soul were bruised and dirtied by life.

When I was younger, I would pray to you out of fear not knowing that your love was unconditional and pure towards me.  I would try my hardest not to “mess up” during the day and spent my nights praying hard so that you would wake me up the next morning so I could try to be better the next day.  I know You remember those prayers and probably now You shake Your head along with me because I was so lost and naive to what Your love truly is!  I also know that you remember the pain of my adolescent years.  Teased and Taunted in middle school for being a Christian, I tried to share the story of You with others, but I was teased.  That was hard Papa God, and I ran away from it.  I sank into my eating disorder and depression.  I fell away from….You.

My early twenties proved to be harder, You watched it all.  I tried to find love in all the wrong places, which left me feeling empty and shamed.  Little did I know, better days were to come and blessings would be given, more than I could ever know or understand.  Papa God, the day I hit the bottom, wanting to end it all, I know You were crying with me.  My mother prayed so hard for me to come back to You.  I praise and thank you for making me reach out to her that day.  She brought me to the Church to talk to her Pastor and I recommitted my life to You that day.  Praise Your Holy and Wonderful name Papa!  Oh what Joy and Peace You brought!  Not only did You save me, but, You blessed me with gifts that I cherish with my whole heart and soul. You gave me love through You but also through my husband!  A meeting of this Love is the only kind You could have orchestrated.  Pure magic and a miracle all wrapped into one.  More and More blessings you bestowed and then the ultimate blessing…. My son.  Made from pure love You gave me the most precious gift I could ever ask for!  Papa God, You saved me, healed me, renewed me, and blessed me.  You continue to do so everyday.  I want to spend my days with my son telling and teaching him about You, Papa, and what Your love truly is!  My love for You is growing and I still sometimes don’t get why you love me so much, it is hard to wrap my mortal mind around it.  Papa, I love You.  Thank you for setting me free….

Love Always and Forever,

Carolyn Decker

“See, God has come to save me.  I will trust in Him and not be afraid.  The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.”

-Isaiah 12:2

The Day after Wyatt was born.

The Day after Wyatt was born.

Bible/Book Study! “Am I messing up my kids?”

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As many of you know, I am very transparent about my life and the struggles I go through.  I feel that being this way helps people who maybe going through similar circumstances.  Being fake and acting like everything is fine and dandy, I think, only hurts people and sets other’s up for feeling insignificant and alone.

As a new first time mom, only a month in, I have experienced a variety of feelings.  They range from Pure joy, anxiety, exhaustion, frustration, sadness, and many more.  No one fully prepares you for motherhood.  While all of these feelings are HIGHLY common, for someone like me, I have to keep a close eye on them.  The reasoning is because of my history.  That being said, I have God in my life and I praise HIM daily because God is sufficient enough for me to get through the variety of feelings I experience.

A Church friend of mine posted on her Facebook page that she was going to do an online Book/Bible Study through Proverbs31 Ministries.  They are an online blog for Women started by the wonderful Lysa TerKeurst.  The book/bible study that she mentioned was for the book, “Am I messing up my kids….and other questions every mom asks.”  I looked into it and thought that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to ease into motherhood with some help from Godly Women and God!  I also feel it was God’s way of saying…”Come on Carolyn, this will help, do it!”

The study starts today and I will be blogging every Wednesday about my thoughts through this 6 week study.  Be prepared for it to be honest, transparent, and real.  Being a mom so far I have found out is LIFE CHANGING. It is definitely for the better, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with some hardships.  I am looking forward to writing about this as well as sharing some weekly pictures of my beautiful/handsome son, Wyatt Rockwood-John Decker.

Remember you are all, WONDERFULLY MADE!

This was a picture taken a day after my son Wyatt was born!  He was born on June 9, 2014.

This was a picture taken a day after my son Wyatt was born! He was born on June 9, 2014.

New Beginnings

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It’s been a very long time since I have written on “Wonderfully Made.”  It isn’t for the lack of wanting to, but I will say its because I was struggling with my relationship with Papa God.  I feel like this is nothing new in the walk of a Christian, however, for me, it was surreal and scary.  Questioning anything of my faith is something that I don’t like to admit to.  I feel though that Papa God wants me to share my experience.  A transition of heart can be overwhelming for anyone.  In faith, it can be life changing.  For me, my transition of heart was taking place as I grasped for a deeper understanding of who God really is.  Talk about overwhelming!  This past year and the beginning of 2014 has been clouded by sadness and loss but also of new beginnings.  Loss of anything is hard but adding it on to my heart of questioning faith left me with a helpless feeling.  Almost as if I were lost at sea.  What I found is where there is loss there is always a new beginning waiting in Papa God’s palm.

My new beginning started on October 1, 2013.  I found out there was a new life growing inside of me.  I was overcome with joy and excitement!  Of course though, with me, nothing ever comes easy.  After finding out about my little one, months passed and I struggled with sickness that rendered me homebound, out of work, and at one point in the hospital.  There I sank into a depression and even deeper questioning of the purpose!  Through continued prayer and support of my loving husband, God found his way back into my heart and I found my way back to God.  Papa God has been etching His presence into my life and brought me to a place of understanding of what is truly important.  What is truly important is family and the basics.

I have come back to blogging after a year hiatus.  I have come back with a new found appreciation and love for my Jesus.  My perspective of life has changed as well as my purpose.  I don’t know the full extent of God’s full plan for my future but I know one is being a mom.  My future hangs in the balance of this concept.  No longer is a career the full importance of my life.  The important things are God, Family, and following HIS will for my life.  I am still working on trust and I am still a bit fearful.  Everyday though I take it one step at a time towards the future and my new beginnings.