I sat there, in the bathroom, in disbelief at what I had just done. As many of you know it has been 10 years of long and hard work on my recovery. I have had ups, downs, and in between’s, but this was earth shattering. In the world of eating disorder recovery we call these “slips” or “slip ups.” This was more than a slip for me. This was devastation, this was a cry for change and it was a turning point. Yes you are reading this right. Carolyn Decker 1 month ago had a slip up. Yes, I purged. It was a moment of low self-esteem, loneliness and fear all wrapped into one moment. I sat there after I did it and could hear my son out in the living room playing with his toys. I just cried and said “WHAT AM I DOING!!!!! ALL OF YOUR HARD WORK!!! WHAT ABOUT YOUR SON!!!!” I couldn’t believe what I had done but at the same time I recognized, something needs to change but I didn’t know what. I prayed and prayed then…my sister texted me with a question.
My sister texted me because, that week I had been asking her about these “Clean Eating” challenges she had been doing. She told me about it and then said to me….. “I have been afraid to ask you this, but do you want to try it? I really think it would be good for you and you would learn a lot!” Immediately when she asked me this I knew it was God telling me…. “Carolyn, this is the change…. you need to do this.” Okay, so you all are asking yourselves…what the heck does this have to do with your slip up? Well, it has everything to do with it! For a very long time I have had a backwards and really unfortunate relationship with food. Even in recovery! I have looked at food as a pain in the butt and something I have to do. I often would skip breakfast, lunch, and force myself to make dinner only because I had to make it for my family. I wasn’t doing it to lose weight or anything I just have always looked at food as…well, the enemy! Many of you are probably saying to yourself, “Carolyn has always eaten around me, she doesn’t seem to hate it!” Your right because I don’t always hate it and I have learned to put on a really good front! The thing is that in my mind, I have been going through the motions without understanding what food should be or what it should do for my body. Quite frankly, I don’t understand it! So indeed this challenge my sister was talking about was definitely something I needed to do! So….with that said, I did the challenge.
5 Day challenge of clean eating with Kristen Lang…. I totally felt this was a great first step for me! Boy did I learn a TON!!!!! Basically the concept of clean eating is looking at food as FUEL for your body and eating fresh, wholesome, non processed foods! It is NOT a diet, lets just make this clear! It is a life style change. While I won’t go into all of what I learned here are a few things that really stuck out to me during this challenge.
- Clean Eating is NOT hard to do.
- It was FUN! I’m sorry you didn’t read that wrong… I said it was fun! Yes the girl who had anorexia/bulimia said eating food was FUN!
- FOOD=FUEL meaning…. Eating fresh, wholesome, non processed food to be strong and healthy!
With that said I am going to continue my challenge starting in a week! I recently purchased the 21 Day Fix pack! It is a program that helps you navigate in a healthy way, your eating habits, includes an exercise regime, while someone (Kristen Lang, my sister) holds you accountable. I know that there are a lot of women out there who have struggled like me or who just struggle with food in general so, I am going to be blogging through my journey of the 21 Day Fix Program! This is huge and I am a little afraid of putting myself out there like this but I feel God calling me to do it! So there it is folks! Hold on, because I have a feeling this journey is not only going to blow my mind….but it just may blow your mind too! I can’t wait to post on my first day! See you all then!
Remember you are all, WONDERFULLY MADE!