Psalm 39: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Well, this is my very first post to an endeavor that God has put on my heart for a while now. I do have to say this is very exciting but at the same time terrifying. I am not going to sit here and sugar coat anything I have to say, because, well…. I am not like that. I don’t think it helps anyone to sugar coat things.
I believe God laid this blog idea on my heart for me to be open and honest in the only way I know how… to be REAL! Many people I have come into contact with in my past have had a hard time listening to my story, but I feel I need to start this blog out with the truth. So my first post will be my story. This is the whole reason why I know God has impressed this blog on my heart. I do want to warn you that some parts may be hard to read, but for the sake of being honest, I have to tell it. If you are going to be looking to this blog for a place to start change for yourself, I hope that my honesty can be inspiration for you to start being honest with yourself. To all women and anyone else reading this, I want to say, I love you and God loves you more. He brought your eyes to this very place for a reason. I promise that my posts will be thoughtful, well researched, and inspiring. Some topics may be difficult to read and some will be fun. Nonetheless I want it to be an avenue to inspire change in my readers. So… here it goes.
It all starts when I was a young kid. I am not going to sit here and say my family was horrible and I had a terrible childhood…because I didn’t, in fact my parents are AMAZING! However, there was something wrong when I was little. For example, shear panic would set in after I found out anytime my family was going on a trip. You may be asking…. “What do you mean?” Well, I would get sick, physically sick to my stomach and have a panic attack about every aspect of the family vacation the night before we would leave. I would worry about where we were going to eat (ok cue in the food issues early on…), what we were going to eat, who was going to be there, and how long we were going to be gone. I have to say that even as a kid I kind of felt this was not normal. Now it wasn’t something that happened every time I went on a trip, but it happened enough for me to notice it. This went on throughout my childhood, but I found ways to get through it.
I was also an avid softball player. I do have to say I was DAMN good at pitching. It was a way that my father and I would connect. I always felt that my dad wanted a son. I feel sometimes I fulfilled that by playing sports. For a while I was ok with this because this made me feel close to my dad, but unfortunately as time went on, competition was harder and well….my dad pushed me a lot. It got to the point where I was never feeling good enough…EVER! So around the age of 12, I decided to start controlling the one thing I never had a good relationship with…which was food. I actually started to control the intake of my food. It started out really innocently by just refusing myself meals or certain types of food. By age 13, I started to restrict more and more and well… I really started to like it. In fact it was liberating. Now at age 13 I knew nothing about what an eating disorder was. Little did I know I was on the fast track to having a full blown problem. Thinking about high school as if it isn’t painful enough, I was starting to really hate everything about myself and by the end of my freshmen year; I had quit softball because I grew to hate it. My relationship with my dad got worse because I never felt good enough for him and before I knew it we weren’t really speaking.
My sister went off to college and well….I went off the deep end. My mother had started to notice that I didn’t really eat that much but I just shook that off and told her I wasn’t really hungry. However, I did notice she was watching me, so what I would do was not eat breakfast or lunch, but I would eat dinner. Once I ate dinner, I would proceed to go to the bathroom and throw-up everything I ate. Once again, I did not know what this was called…I just knew that I didn’t want any food in me. Now even though I thought I was, well for a lack of better terms, a piece of crap and no one really should love me, I did have a boyfriend who actually did love me and one day he caught me throwing up my after school snack one day. He confronted me in a loving way and made me tell my mom. By then, I was throwing up an average 8 times a day and restricting almost everything from myself. I ended up telling my mother which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I remember exactly what I told her the night she came home from work. I said “mom, I throw up my food and I don’t eat on purpose, I like it, and I don’t know how to stop.” Wow, the look on her face was…. Horrible. Now, I had never been placed in a hospital for an eating disorder but I was hospitalized for a while due to my eating disorder. A malnourished body will land you in the hospital, I assure you. I also did look like a skeleton and during my college years I made some horrible choices with my body, such as abusing diet pills that are now illegal because the FDA found out people were having heart attacks from them. It was basically a legal version of speed.
For many years I have abused my body. I have physically beaten my stomach to make myself sick, I have thought about and came very close to killing myself (but for the grace of God he interfered with that one), and I have had many years of yo-yo dieting. My eating disorder has haunted me and still haunts me every day. I have been in recovery for what now is going to be 8 years. When I say recovery, I mean symptom free. I have found out recovery means different things and it is always a work in progress. Now, granted that is the short version of my story with a lot of hurtful and painful things missing, but for the sake of this, I think you all get the point. The most important part that you all need to get out of my story is that 2 years ago, I came back to my Lord and Savior. I re-accepted Jesus into my life because for so long I had been away from him. Regardless of the battles I have had, God has allowed me to take my paths and now is using them for good.
Now, here on out, you all now know my skeletons….ok probably not the best word to use. Let me try a different word…. You now all know my dirty laundry. So from here on, I will be blogging based off of my experiences in my journey and on-going journey and I will be getting insight from others. I plan on having guest bloggers and hopefully you all can give me feedback! I would love that.
I hope you are just as excited about my blog as I am. Remember we are all Wonderfully Made! We have a purpose for God’s Glory! Thank goodness for HIS grace!